 11/25/06 - I actually had a better Thanksgiving than I expected I would! I wasn't planning to do anything at all for turkey day, but when I woke up, I remembered that this one restaurant had a turkey day buffet that didn't cost very much, so I dressed Catty up and she was all proud of how pretty she looked, which made it all worthwhile for me. There's nothing I love more than seeing my kiddos with a smile on their faces! Then just a few hours after we got home, Catty's sitter surprised us by showing up with another whole T-day meal! Catty was in heaven - TWO yummy thanksgiving dinners! Yippee! Of course it wasn't the same as it would have been with Donny here, but I think I handled my first big holiday pretty well, all things considered. :o) And guess what? Just in time for the holiday season, my loyal assistant dictator did a wonderful thing and helped me update my Asia Stuff Page for you guys! Great timing me2, thank you so much for helping out - I don't know that I EVER would have found the motivation to get up and do it myself in time for Xmas! I've got two new movies available, a book, and some of my most popular 8x10's and the Asia statues are finally back in stock! Yay! Surely you know someone who might want some autographed Asia stuff for Xmas... maybe even you? Hey, the money couldn't go to a better cause, right? :O) So please, check it out! And here's to a happy holiday season for everyone! 11/19 - Another day, another mood swing... I feel much better than I did two days ago, thank you to everyone who extended well-wishes and support to me! As the holiday season draws closer I've decided to just ignore the holidays for this year. The kids are too young to notice anything amiss, and it will just be easier for me not to have to fake good cheer during my first holidays all alone. However, because I don't want to grow up to be a bitter and grouchy old woman who hates life, I will take this time to give thanks for the good things I have been blessed with. I am grateful for my amazingly unfailing good health (not counting my recent trip to the emergency room!), and my two snotty-nosed little kids who obviously got their health from Donny's side of the family LOL! I am grateful that despite all the stress and trauma during my pregnancy, I was able to have an easy and relatively pain-free delivery of my baby at home by myself, just like I always dreamed of having. I am grateful for all my friends who come to cheer me up in my chatroom every night, and the women who unfailingly provide love and support to me every day on the ivillage message boards. I am grateful that my kids have my loyal assistant dictator me2 as their godfather because he is a wonderful friend to me and he spoils the kids rotten. And last but not least, I am grateful to all of my friends and fans who sent us donations, books, toys, diapers, giftcards, and many other sweet gifts to help me through these hard times. When I think about how many people have taken the time to send us things to make us smile or to help me be a stay at home mommy to my babies for a few more months, it makes me all choked up. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! :*) (now just think, if I can come through the hardest time of my life with a smile and still counting my blessings, just think how many things YOU have to be thankful for!) Hugs to all! :o) 11/17 - Many people have said they are impressed with my honesty as I type my bulletins. I just kind of shrug it off - I'm always honest, that way I never have to cover my a$$ later on, y'know? But maybe now I'm going to be more honest than you'd like to see. Too bad, these are MY bulletins, not yours! ...I'm having a really hard time climbing out of the emotional funk that E! and the E! reshoot put me in. This whole week I've been a complete emotional cripple. I have a to-do list a mile long, so every day I drop Catty off at the sitter's and drive home determined to accomplish at least SOME of my chores... but I come home, look up at Donny's urn on the mantel, and I fall to pieces. This has happened to me every single day this week. I can't get anything done, and I feel guilty because I keep dropping my kid off at the sitter's so I can get work done, but I haven't gotten ANYTHING done! I just come home and CRY! I am pathetic! I wish I could get my shi* together. I did read that the process of grieving and recovery isn't a straight uphill line; it's more of a roller coaster that slowly makes its way uphill eventually, and I guess that's the truth. Because I am having a hard time moving forwards. A really hard time. I just want to down one glass of wine after another, because it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is definitely the front of an oncoming train! I need something to look forwards to, because ironically, even though E! set me back, it was something to work towards, to get in shape for, to look good for. Now that that's done, there's nothing to look forwards to but an endless stretch of sadness and loneliness without my husband. I'm sorry to be such a downer, I DO try to look on the bright side of things most of the time, but sometimes... I'm human and I'm sad, I'm sorry. :o( 11/10 - Boy it's been a busy few days! On Tuesday I had to do a reshoot for E! TV. More soul-searching for the cameras, fun, fun, fun. Then after spending all day away from my babies and not pumping any milk, I wound up with mastitis the next day (clogged milk duct that got infected). I thought maybe it would resolve itself, but around 2am I was throwing up uncontrollably, and so feverish I was rambling, crawling around the floor in circles and asking someone to "please, help me, please..." Of course there was no one there to help me, which was kind of scary. Ok, it was a LOT scary. Finally I got my wits together and called the only person who's number I know, Catty's sitter. And thankfully she came over at 3am and took me to the hospital and watched the babies while I spent a very miserable night in the emergency room. They gave me fluids via IV, ran some blood tests, gave me antibiotics and some prescriptions and released me. The sitter drove me back home and I was much better by the end of the day. But that was a really scary night! I don't remember ever getting SO sick SO fast before, and having no one around to help, and two babies to take care of... yikes! Thank goodness for the sitter! She was a lifesaver, literally! Well after all that trauma got put behind me, it was time for a reward! So... meet MILO!. It's a she, and she's named after the Milo from "Milo and Otis". Catty can't quite say "Milo"; she calls the cat "Meow" LOL!! But both BabyD and Catty love the new kitten very much, and she is already quite at home with our family! Yay! :o) 11/06 - I know Rosie O'Donnell said this same thing on her blog a year or two ago, but I'm going to say it again now - Kirstie Alley lies about her weight! She's always saying she weighs the same or less than me (we got fat and then lost the weight around the same time, so she's been bugging me for about 2 years with this!) I know this is a stupid, petty thing to rant about, but dang, why can't she just be honest about her weight? Here, I'll be honest - I weigh 150 pounds. Yeah that's 15 pounds more than I weighed in my heyday, but I've got giant milk boobies now, and some extra muscle weight from working out hard to shed pounds this past year, so it's not ALL fat! Anyway, Kirstie says she weighs 145 lbs. Granted she's an inch shorter than me, but puh-leeeeeze... here's Kirstie in her Oprah bikini picture next to me in a bikini picture I took a few minutes ago. Take a look. Now how you gonna tell me that woman weighs five pounds less than me?!? There's no way! Grrrr!!! (Yes I know Kirstie is 55, and I know she worked hard to lose her weight, but I just had two babies back-to-back and I've worked hard to lose my weight too!) Bleah! Ok, just had to get that off my chest! (which is plenty heavy enough already, thank you very much! LOL!!) 11/2 - I'm still struggling to get out of the funk that those two days with E! caused me, but my dear friend and loyal assistant dictator me2 came out for the past three days and that helped a lot! He manned the house while I took the kiddos trick-or-treating, and Catty and BabyD were just too cute in their fluffy costumes!! I also took me2 out mountain-climbing with me a couple of times, and he learned the hard way how I got my butt back in shape! Heh! I do wish I had the energy to take care of tasks like getting my merchandise page updated with all the new items I've got waiting upstairs in my inventory room, but E! has knocked me back to the point where I'm just struggling to get through one day at a time again. *sigh* I miss my husband so very, very, very much... there are no words... But I've decided that this weekend I'm taking the kids to the pet store and we will pick out a new kitten to replace our sweet Gorby who passed away a few weeks ago, and I'm very excited about that! I LOVE kittens!! LOVE them!!! I'm hoping a tiny new ball of fur will be just the thing to put me back on the road to waking up with a smile on my face instead of sadness... 10/27 - Ok I just finished shooting 2 days for the E! Channel, and can I say that was the most emotionally gruelling shoot I've ever done. I mean imagine having to relive the most horrible, painful day of your entire life, for two days in a row, with TV cameras and a crew of people watching. Yeah, it was not fun. My brain was screaming at me, "Dammit, I've just spent the last 3 months building up walls around these memories to protect you, and you just tore them all down! Well you're on your own now, buddy!" And it was like all the old wounds had been ripped open again. All the pain that had kind of dulled down to numbness is screaming agony again, every little thing reminds me that yes, this is my life, my husband, my soulmate, my beloved, is gone gone gone... and I had two kids screaming in the car the whole way home from the shoot out at Mile Marker 80 today, as if to rub in the fact that you now have two tiny screaming banshees to take care of instead of your loving husband taking care of you. I've spent much of the last two days crying my heart out. I miss Don so much, it hurts it hurts it hurts... and no I'm not strong, I'm completely brokenhearted and just doing the best I can to make it through each day without my husband. What else can I do? I just muddle on, however I can. Got these two kids to take care of, y'know? The E! show will air in January, the premiere episode of a new series tentatively titled "Boulevarde of Broken Dreams", but that may change. I will keep you posted. And in other news, gambling and poker addicts like me (I am reformed, but still an addict at heart :o) you will be happy to know you can now own poker chips with yours truly on them! All different images and denominations! Check it out! Oh and that dress-voting contest really turned into a contest between boobs and butt didn't it LOL!! I guess in the old days my butt would have won, but now my new mommy boobies have taken the lead! (personally I hate these new massive boobies, they are awfully heavy and make it hard to go jogging!) Here's a pic that may help my butt into the lead again... hehehe! >:o) 10/24 - Bulletin!! Asia just got canned on the NYC appearance! Repeat! NO ASIA IN NYC, SO DO NOT GO TO THE COMIC CON LOOKING FOR ME! Yeah, bummer huh? Ok, not really, hahaha, you know I'm happy I don't have to do a public appearance because they're so freakin' hard on me as a social phobic! I just emailed the E! channel, who is coming to my place here in Utah to shoot me in just two more days, and they said the story will be great even without NYC footage, so all's well that ends well. Comic Con would like to re-book me for their April show, and I said no problemo as long as I get my 50% cancellation fee - they said okeydokey, so we're all square. I apologize to everyone who was going to come to see me in NYC, it's a bummer I got canned, but it's not my fault!! And I was working my BUTT off to get in shape for the show too... I was doing TWO HOURS OF CARDIO A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, CARRYING THE BABY!!! to get in shape for this show. But honestly, knowing how much I hate public appearances, why did I take this gig? Because I needed something positive to focus on, a reason to better myself instead of lying around and feeling sorry for myself after Donny's death. And the money didn't hurt either. So I really got everything I wanted out of the deal, a positive goal and better body, plus 1/2 of the $$$ for doing nothing... that works, huh? Actually I was working so flippin' hard to look good for you guys, I'm actually kinda sad I don't get to do the appearance now! I was busy trying on different dresses and shoes to see what I wanted to wear for the show... no makeup, but I was just checking if my body looked ok... here, I'll let you decide LOL!! black dress, red dress, purple dress. (HEY LOOK! You can vote for REAL on which dress you like, HERE! Thanks me2!) Yeah, it's a pity I didn't get to do that apppearance, huh - I worked my butt off so I wouldn't look like a fat momma who just had 2 kids 17 months apart! Oh well... see you guys at the Comic Con in April, I guess! And wish me luck for the E! cameras coming on Thursday! I'm still nervous about that!!! I will post the air date info here when I find out! Hugs to all! :o) 10/18 - Ok, did I make you wait long enough to tell you what I've got up my sleeve? Hehehe!! I've got another appearance on the E! Network coming up! They're doing a story on me for the premiere episode of a new journalism show they're launching that features "compelling stories" about celebs and such. So they figured the pornstar losing her hubby while 8 months pregnant will make good press. Cool beans - my 15 minutes of fame goes into the 16th minute! Whoohoo! Hey, as long as I'm responsible for these two little babies, anything that sends me traffic and potential website sales so I can make money without leaving my kids is a big YESSSS!!!! in my book! :o) And it also means that those of you who can't make it to my NYC appearance (which I realize is most of you, LOL!) can now watch it on your TV, because E! is not only flying out to my home in Utah to shoot me with the kids, but they're also jetting out to NYC to catch me in my full-on glam getup! So you can see what may be my last-ever public appearance from the comfort of your living room! (which is not to say that anyone who was planning to come to see me in NYC should stay home - I'm ever so much cuter in person! LOL!!) I have been working out SO hard in preparation for E! and my public appearance! I've been eating plain oatmeal and chicken breasts and protein shakes for day after day after day!!! I hope you guys appreciate what I'm going through to look like "the old Asia" instead of "the OLD Asia" when you finally see me again! Hehehe!! 10/07 - Guess what? I have a public appearance booked in NYC, November 17-18 at the Big Apple Comic Book & Sci-Fi Con. I'll be doing 4 hours a day both days (don't know exact times yet, I'll keep you posted) but I don't wanna look like a loser standing there all by myself, so hopefully you guys will come see me and take a polaroid with me or get a signed 8x10! I am busting my butt to get back into shape so I look like the Asia in my 8x10's and not "Big Momma Asia" LOL!! You know me, I never want anyone to be disappointed in me - I'm way too much of a perfectionist! So I'm hauling butt with the kids in their jogging stroller for 2 hours a day, 7 days a week, and following my hubby Don's Know-How diet to the letter. I will fit into my slinky little dresses if it kills me! Yeah I'm nervous, and I still hate public appearances, but I accepted this gig because it gives me something to work towards and better myself for, instead of moping around getting fatter and feeling sorry for myself. I have something else in the works too, for those of you who can't make it to my NYC appearance... but I'm not ready to tell you about that yet, hehehe!! Stay tuned! :o) 09/28 - And here I thought I was on the road to recovery... *sniffle*... Tonight I was out pushing the kids around in their stroller, getting some exercise, feeling good... and I noticed a big new building all lit up in the darkness down the street from our house. It was the Gold's Gym that had been "Coming Soon" even before Don and I moved here almost two years ago. As I walked closer to the gym, I knew I was going to lose it, but I walked up anyway, got as far as the first set of double doors, then had to turn around and push the carriage back out into the parking lot, where I just started bawling. See, when we first moved here, Don was really excited about this Gold's Gym being built right down the street from our house. It was a massive warehouse, and would certainly be made into an awesome gym, within walking distance for us! How convenient! Especially since Don was planning on doing a fitness video with some friends of his, flying people in from all over the states to shoot with him. Only the stupid gym never got built! We waited six months, a year... still the sign said "coming soon" but there were no signs of anything being done to the warehouse. Eventually Don gave up waiting, and he booked his stuff to be shot at other gyms, most notably the Gold's Gym in Las Vegas. And we all know what happened to Don as he commuted the 2 hour drive to Las Vegas for 3 days in a row while working on his video shoot... yeah, he flipped the Jeep and never came home. And now... to see the &#^$@?! Gold's Gym down the street from us open in all its glory just 3 months after Don died driving to a Gold's Gym in Las Vegas... if this stupid gym had opened when they said it would, my husband would still be here. My kids would have a father. Our happy family would still be together. Ugh, I can't stop crying. Excuse me while I go beat my head into the wall for a while... *sob*... 09/18 - I know that some of you out there will be happy to hear this news - I'm off the Zoloft anti-depressant pills. The last few weeks I've been feeling pretty good, but of course I was wondering if it was just the happy pills, or was I actually healing inside? It's kind of unsettling to think your happiness is coming out of a bottle of pills, so I decided to cut back and see what happened. I went from 75mg to 50mg for a week, and nothing happened. I cut down to 25 for a few days - still nothing. So yesterday I just didn't take any, and I guess that's the end of that. I'm a little suspicious as to why I never felt the least bit sad or down while coming off the pills - to tell the truth, I didn't even cry when Gorby died. I guess this whole ordeal HAS made me stronger, because anything bad that happens now just seems minor when compared to losing my husband. Nothing fazes me anymore! I do rely heavily on two tricks that have helped me through depression in the past - get as much sleep as I can, and stay as active as possible. A good night's sleep and/or a nap with the kids, plus taking the kids for walks every day keeps my happy meter on high, naturally. No pills needed! Honestly, I don't think I was taking a high enough dose of the Zoloft to really do much - I think maybe it was more like Dumbo's magic feather to me, as in it worked because I believed it would. I NEEDED to believe those pills worked, because I was in such despair that I was desperate for something, ANYTHING that could help me make it through those darkest weeks after Donny died. So I am glad I took them, even if I only wound up getting sugar pills! Ok here's a few pics to make you smile... "carrot eater", "sucker","Stinky the Cat", and "Thumbsucker". Ok, here's hoping my mood doesn't crash and burn as the last of the Zoloft leaves my system over the next few days!!! 09/11 - Our family keeps getting smaller, but at least Don will have some company in heaven... R.I.P. Gorby, our sweet little kitten has gone to be with Donny. I took Gorby to get his stitches out on Thursday, and I thought all was well, but that night he stopped eating and started puking green bile everywhere, just like when he'd eaten some mysterious black foam that blocked up his tummy. I took him back to the vet the next day, and they kept him overnight and ran some tests. The next day they said he had an obstruction in his gut and they would see what they could do without surgery. Today the vet called and said scar tissue from his surgery has blocked off the smallest part of his intestines, and the prognosis was very poor. They recommended I put him to sleep, so I gave them permission to do so. Good-bye, sweet Gorby, say hi to Daddy for us... 09/11 - Not much to report except that BabyD is getting to that fussy age where he cries for no reason, especially late at night. And I am one very tired and not-too-bright mommy. Today I swerved into a curb and popped a front tire while trying to get my seat belt unstuck. *sigh* Thank goodness I found a nice man at the gas station to change it for me, because I'm pretty helpless when it comes to car stuff! I will be more careful from now on - although I am by nature a careful driver (never got any tickets even driving a Corvette for 6 years) I obviously need to try even harder when I'm low on sleep! Oh, speaking of tired and stupid, I was teaching Catty the different foods tonight, and I introduced her to "eggs". I cracked two open to show her what was inside, then I hopped up and popped them in the frying pan so she could see how they cooked up. When I turned around, I realized I did something very stupid - I left the eggs in Catty's reach. *sigh* Another lesson learned! Ok... by popular demand, here's some more recent pics of BabyD - pic 1 and pic 2! See, he's getting cuter every day... although sometimes I still think he looks like Mr. Magoo! Hehehe!!! >:o) Oh, and also, the buttmunchers over at Paypal have shut down my account because my site has adult content, or because I used to be a pornstar, I don't know, I got a form letter from them about "mature content" and I'm not allowed to use Paypal anymore. I explained my situation to them, and they didn't care. Got another form letter from them saying my case was not open for discussion. So... if you want to donate money to me you'll have to do it through my sales page, or you can use my snail-mail address: Asia Carrera 875 W Redcliff Dr. #2, PMB 144 Washington, UT 84780 Thanks guys! :o) 09/04 - Happy birthday, Don. Lucky you, you look the same at 38 as you did at 37. You'll always be young and handsome! I wish I could say the same! Today I did something with the kids I never thought I was EVER going to do - we came out visit you at Mile marker 80 on the I-15. I woke up early this morning and felt like coming to see you. So I packed up the kids and headed out before I had time to change my mind. I drank two red bulls and ate a sugar cookie so I'd be well and truly amped, instead of all depressed and driving off the road. Went down to Vegas with the little ones, had to stop at a truck stop to nurse them in a shower stall *blush* then continued on down to Whole Foods. Stocked up on some healthy yumyums, then came back up the I-15 to visit you. Happily, there was no sign of you, or the accident. So it wasn't too scary or depressing. Maybe we'll make this an annual pilgrimage, so you can see how the kids grow up each year. Not that I think you're actually hanging around a stupid mile marker in the middle of the godforsaken desert, but you know, they always say funerals are for the living, and this is no different. Just a fun way for us to remember you. Fun? Yeah, I went to WalMart and got you the tackiest flower arrangement they had. I knew you'd appreciate it. Remember the time we walked by their horrible plastic flowers for funerals and I said "good grief, you better not get any of those for MY grave when I die!! Those are the ugliest things I've ever seen!" Yeah, I got a ring of THOSE for you - I knew you'd appreciate the thought! LOL! And what's in the glass? Yep, some of your favorite tequila! What birthday would be complete without a couple shots of Cuervo? (I'm glad I didn't get pulled over on the way home - "Officer I swear, I'm not Mel Gibson, and that's not my tequila bottle! It belongs to my dead husband! He drank it, not me!!") Well, I doubt the kids had the slightest idea of why Mommy took pics of them at the side of the highway, but I brought them to see you, just in case you can't see them so well from the mantel here at home. Don't say I never did nothin' for ya! Happy birthday honey, I love you forever and for always!! :o) 09/03 - My heart goes out to the wife of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin and their two little children. If anyone knows what it's like to lose your husband in the prime of life, leaving you with two little kids who will grow up without a father... *sigh*... I only wish I had Terri's email address, because I know in the days immediately following Don's death the only people it gave me any comfort to talk to were other moms who'd been through the same thing as me. Terri, I'm so sorry for your loss, but you will get through this. You have to, for the kids. And it will get easier with each passing day. Although it won't seem like it for many weeks to come, eventually, it will start to get a little easier every day. I promise you, it will... 9/01 - Well BabyD is officially one month old and all's well. I'm starting to work out a schedule with the kids so there's not so much chaos and crying now. I've even got the breastfeeding worked out so nobody's getting any formula - boobmilk for everyone, yay! I guess my updates will get less frequent now as everything is quiet and there's not much to report. In this case, no news is good news! Oh, BabyD has started smiling at me, which makes him very loveable! Good boy! And Catty is a great mommy's little helper. When the baby cries, Catty goes rushing to the rescue with a binky or bottle! How cute is she?! Here's a picture of poor Gorby's zipped-up belly (warning!! not for the squeamish!!) And finally, here's a rare moment of quiet time in the casa de Asia. (I was lying in the foreground reading the book) And here's a pic I just snapped of the diaper-clad duo five minutes ago! Ok, that's all for now! 8/28 - Poor Gorby, his belly is shaved and he has an ugly gash filled with metal staples holding his tummy shut. It's pretty scary looking. And I just realized that scammer vet is going to make more money because I have to take Gorby back to get those staples out. Grrrr!!! I'm so worn out. Just tired all the time, I can't remember what it feels like to wake up and actually feel good. Every day I wake up and just stay in bed for another 2-3 hours because I don't have the energy to get up and do anything. It's scary to think that I'm on duty - no vacations - 24/7 for the next 18 years. Oh, and the Lil guy needs to start pulling his own weight around here. All he does is shi* and scream around the clock. WTF - he needs to work on being cute or something, some baby smiles would go a long way towards gaining some good will from the momma! Ok, I have actually taken the time to think about things I have to be grateful for... that Donny died very quickly and painlessly... that he didn't take anyone else out with him... that the kids and I are in good health... that my wonderful fans have seen to it that we have money to pay the bills for the immediate future... that Catty likes the baby and tries to help take care of him... so, as crappy as things may be, they could always be worse! I will be grateful for what I have and hope that things just stay as they are so I can cope, one day at a time! 08/25 - Yesterday morning our sweet white kitty Gorby started puking up chunks of black foam all over the house - who knows where he got it from, it kinda looked like he chewed up a flipflop. Today he was still really sick, so I took him to the vet, and they gave him barium to check for an intestinal blockage. Whatever he ate, it's stuck in his gut and they're doing surgery on him as we speak to remove it. You know how much they're charging?? $1300!! (&@!%$*!!! They've got a racket as bad as the mortuary - of course you're going to pay whatever they ask when it comes to a loved member of the family! Grrr!! I even tried explaining to them about my recent situation and asked if they could cut me a break, and they offered me a discount on PUTTING GORBY TO SLEEP!! $55 instead of $85 to kill a member of my family!! ARGH!! So needless to say, I bent over and took one for the team and told them to do the surgery and send me the bill. There's no way I could come home with an empty cat carrier and live with myself knowing I had that sweet little guy put to sleep! This is the second time he's done this though - he had this surgery a year ago when he ate a piece of my breast pump. I need to invent a pool filter I can stick in his throat that will catch offending objects before they get in his gut! He's such a sweet, sweet kitty, he loves to lay on top of the kids when they nurse, and he's been Catty's pal since they were both tiny. He only cost $35 to buy, but now he's the $2500 pedigree kitty after these two surgeries. I can only hope and pray he doesn't do it again!!! This is not a habit we can afford for him to repeat!! Good luck with your surgery Gorby, I hope everything comes out ok! We love you Gorby! Update - The doctor called, he got the remaining foam pieces out of Gorby's tummy and he's gonna be ok! I can pick him up in the morning, yay! :o) 08/20 - Ok, this isn't fun anymore... I caught a cold from Catty and I've been sick for the last four days. The first two days weren't so bad, but yesterday I was beyond comatose. I was so worn out my head would spin when I sat still, and my head was so stuffed up I felt like I was wrapped in cotton. But you know there's still the little guy demanding to be fed around the clock, diapers have to be changed, Catty wants me to play with her, dishes need washing, emails need answering... and I'm so exhausted I just want to die. Several times yesterday I just hung my head and said "I can't do this anymore, I can't... I don't want to play this game anymore, I'm so done!!" I really just wanted to give up. I wanted to put the kids outside, close the door, and go to sleep and not wake up. But of course I didn't. I put the baby in the carrier, put Catty in the stroller, and walked a mile to the playground with the kids, because I know that exercise makes happy feel-good endorphins, even when I'm sick and feel like crap. And when I got home, I put the kids to bed and tucked myself in early. And today I woke up feeling SO much better! I vacuumed the house, scrubbed the kitchen floor, and didn't even lose my cool when Catty dumped a box of dishwashing detergent all over the freshly-cleaned kitchen floor. Isn't it weird what my life has come to now? From pornstar to widowed single mom, and you've been here watching the metamorphosis for the last 10 years. Being famous seems like such a distant memory to me now... so it's very surreal to see things like THIS these days. Yep, that's my smiling face on a book cover, coming to all major bookstores near you on September 15th. Or available for pre-order now over at amazon.com. Congrats go out to my friend the author, Gerrie Lim - may your book with me on the cover be your best-selling one yet! :o) 08/13 - Wow, I made it through the week all by myself! Yay me! (my loyal assistant dictator me2 came out last weekend to help with the kids for my birthday, thanks me2!!) This is surely the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I get panic attacks when both kids cry at once, especially if I've almost got Catty asleep for the night, then the baby screams and wakes her, then she screams when I go to quiet the baby... ARGH!! The baby also seems to be hitting his fussy, colicky stage WAY before Catty did, where he cries even if he's fed, changed and comfortable. But oddly enough, even when both kids are screaming at 4am and I'm at my most frazzled, I don't start crying or fall apart. I just go into this "Zen mode", take a deep breath, and just do what I can to get through it. Every now and again I'll think of something regarding Donny, like a fun time we had in Hawaii or on Catalina island, and I'll just lose it, bawling over his urn, or hugging his clothes and wailing for what seems like an eternity. But as far as the kids go, I guess I'm holding up ok. Sure I have moments where I think "I can't do this, I can't do this alone, I can't do this by myself for the next 18 years!!!" But I just tell myself to make it to the end of the day, just one day at time, that's all I can do. I don't know if I can do 18 years, but surely I can make it through one more day. I do have some guilt issues that instead of being a great mommy to just Catty, I'm now a mediocre mommy to two babies. Out of necessity I'm having to take shortcuts that I never would have taken with Catty, like I've tried giving lil guy a pacifier, I've propped up his bottle while nursing Catty to sleep (he's right next to me when I do), and pretty soon I'm going to have to *gasp!* start giving him a bottle of formula when my stash of frozen boob milk runs out. (I don't have the time or the milk to pump extra when I'm already nursing two, and when I nurse Catty to sleep I have to give baby a bottle because she can't fall asleep with baby nursing on top of her). Oh and I also feel bad because I always picked up Catty the second she whimpered, but when lil guy cries, I'll be like, "ok, hang on I just need to pee/get Catty a sippy cup/change Catty's diaper/etc..." So I feel like the baby's getting cheated out of a good mommy because I'm not as good with him as I was with Catty. In fact, I'm not as good with Catty as I used to be either, not as much time or patience as I used to have, although I try my hardest. Well there, now you know all my guilty issues and how I'm failing my kids as a parent before they're even old enough to talk! LOL... ok, thanks for listening to me vent! Here's some pics of lil guy sitting up in his chair and he's not even two weeks old yet - getting a kiss from big sister, watching her play, and Catty mugging for the camera. 08/09 - Ok, I'm feeling much better today, Catty slept through the night and Baby only woke up once for a 6am feeding. If every night was like last night, I might actually survive this! So, would you like to see some baby pictures? Too bad, I'm gonna show them to you anyway! Hehe! You know how Catty is like a little mini-me, she has my eyes, my skin, my everything... well baby Donny is a clone of his daddy! It really freaked me out at first to keep looking over at the baby and see Donny's face, but I'm getting used to it now. He's got Donny's same cheeks and mouth and nose and even a little dimple in his chin, plus Daddy's skin tone! Take a look! Isn't that weird, how the girl came out just like Mommy, and the boy just like Daddy? Don would have been so proud to have a boy who looks just like him, how heartbreaking is it that he never got to see his son at all! :*( Ok, more pics... here's the kids watching a DVD together one and two... Here's how we sleep at night (imagine me in the middle - I got up to take the pic, obviously)... The sibling rivalry started very early with these two troublemakers, one and two... And finally, if you're wondering how I have time to update my website or answer emails these days, here is my secret! Just call me SuperMommy! :o) Oh, I want to take a minute to give a very, very heartfelt "THANK YOU" to everyone who donated money to me and the babies - I feel like these photos are for you guys, so you can see where your money is going to! I am going to stretch out every penny I can to stay at home with these two little guys for as long as I possibly can. (yes, I am keeping the baby, or I'm going to try my hardest to make it work, anyway... fingers crossed!!) Thank you, thank you, thank you, to everyone who has helped make the hardest time of my life a little easier by not having to worry about how I'm going to pay the rent right now with these two little babies and a broken heart to care for. THANK YOU, from me, Catty and lil baby Donny!!! 08/06 - Happy birthday to me. Not. The baby woke up every hour on the hour last night, and as soon as the sun came up, Catty woke up with him and I had TWO crying babies on my hands. I'd try to get one back to sleep, but it was impossible with the other one screaming its head off, so I'd try to shush the other one, and then the first one would sit there screaming. Now it's the afternoon and they're finally both napping, but I tried to lay down and I just couldn't stop crying. I STILL can't stop crying. I'm overtired and overwhelmed and I know if Donny was here everything would be ok, but he's never coming back again and everything's never going to be ok again. For my birthday all I want is to put my arms around my husband one more time so I can hold on and never let go... Things were going pretty good with the baby for the first few days. I really thought I was going to be able to juggle the two little ones. Now I just don't know. I can't do it if I feel like this every day, I'm just not a good mommy to either baby when all I can do is cry and cry. Oops, gotta go, Catty's up from her nap. 07/31 - Guess who showed up 11 days early? Baby Donny was born at home this morning at 10:35am, to me (all by myself with Catty) after 2 hours of labor. Mommy and baby are doing fine, in fact, I feel great! I was back on my computer 2 hours after the baby was born to let everyone know the news! That is the short version of the story, and usually all that most guys want to hear, LOL! If you want to read the full birth story (and I mean all the ewww stuff that girls talk about and guys run screaming from the room when they hear it) and see some more pics, then you can read the full birth story HERE! Ok, going to try and get some rest now... oh p.s. I've gotten some emails recently asking where to send donations. If you scroll down to the 6/26 bulletin, it has all the info on how to make donations at the end of it, after a lengthy explanation on why I'm asking for donations. Thanks for your help! {{{hugs to all}}}
I know the media made me out to be this financial wizard, and I guess I WAS, at one time. When I was around 27, I had a lot of money invested in the stock market. I had almost enough to buy a nice house in LA for cash, which is a lot of money for a 27-year old kid to have saved up. But then came the tech collapse, the stock market tanked, and I lost half my savings overnight. I was sick about it, but I know bigger and better people than me got burned, so what could I do? All I could do was keep working and keep saving. But then came another knockout punch, my boyfriend of 5 years got deported back to England, and my world just fell apart. I suffer from extreme co-dependancy, in addition to social phobia, so I was trapped at home alone with my overwhelming grief. I worked just enough to pay my bills and keep travelling to England every few months to see my boyfriend, and I saved nothing. In fact, I am ashamed to admit, I developed a terrible online gambling addiction, and blew through half of my savings yet again, over the next two years. I never cashed out, because I didn't want to stop gambling - then I would have to feel my loneliness and despair! There were days I wouldn't even get out of bed because I couldn't see any reason to. The rest of the time I spent gambling and blowing my savings. Then I met Don... and everything turned to sunshine in an instant, I was so freakin' happy every day! We were SO in love, SO fast, it was a true fairytale come to life! He moved in after two weeks, we were engaged after a month, married at 3 months, moved to Hawaii and got pregnant 3 months after that. The happiness just never stopped, it seemed too good to be true! Well, I guess it was... *sigh* ok, where was I... So anyway, I kicked my gambling addiction after I met Don, because I didn't need that emotional crutch anymore now that I had him. But all I had left was 1/4 of the savings I'd had before the market crash, and I used that to put a down payment on this house when we found out I was pregnant. So the last of my money went into this house. I make a little money off the site each month, but that was just "fun money", to buy toys for Catty and stuff, not enough to pay the bills. Don paid all the bills, and he was happy to do it. He never wanted me to go back to porn, he wanted to take care of me, and I wanted to be a loving fulltime mommy to his babies. However Don had nothing in the bank either. He was a "live for the moment" kind of guy, he figured "it's just money, I'll make more" and he didn't really talk to me about what was up with the finances. And I didn't ask because it wasn't my business. I was happy to just worry about the babies and not money for the first time in my life! But when I asked him about life insurance and even got the forms for him, he put them aside on his desk and said he'd take care of it when business picked up a little. And of course, as you now know, he never wound up getting any. Bottom line, I'm scared because we have nothing in the bank. And if you ever read my essay on "Why I Did Porn" on the bio page, you know that when I ran away from home I had nothing at all, and did things I didn't want to do just so I could eat and have a place to sleep. And I have had a deep-seated fear ever since of being put back in that position. Having kids to worry about now only makes it worse! I don't want to be standing on a street corner with two babies, begging for money!! I just don't have the "everything will work itself out" mentality, because I've BEEN on that street corner with nothing, and it is an experience I am terrified of repeating!! Ok, so there you have it, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, the whole reason why I'm asking for donations from you, my loyal fans. And I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who has helped me out so far, with donations, kind words, Walmart giftcards, baby clothes, books on grieving, and talking to me in the chatroom. All of it, every bit of it is SO appreciated, thank you thank you thank you. Ok, guess I'll wrap this all up with another reprint of the donation info in case anyone missed it: (yes, it is totally humiliating for me to ask you guys for money, but when I look at Catty and my 8-month pregnant belly, I just feel so scared for the future! ARGH!!)
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has donated some money to us. Every little bit helps. At least I don't have to worry about trying to get a job at almost 8 months pregnant right now, and I can concentrate on grieving and trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my life... *sigh* This is all so hard, the hardest thing I guess anyone ever goes through, huh. If I didn't have sweet little Catty's smiling face to wake up to every day, I swear...
Anyway, there's a spot on my sales page where you can donate up to $500. And for those who requested a snail-mail address, here you go:
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Bulletins 2009
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